So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.