So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

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Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.


Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.


My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.


There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.


Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.


“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”


babies ‍ gremlins

getting wet after midnight makes more