So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.