So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
