@Token_Geezer

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

@DreamExplosive

Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.

@_itspat_

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

@NikiWithIssues

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

@atthecubicle

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

@byjoelanderson

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

@Heatinblack

babies ‍ gremlins
‍🤝

getting wet after midnight makes more