[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
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Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”