If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs