[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35