the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
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Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
I’m having an out of money experience.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I would like even faster food.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain