[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
You Might Also Like
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”