All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
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Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
May have had one breakfast too many
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do