I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
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I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
What?!?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
New menu item
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
*seductively peels off lederhosen