I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
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not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
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According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Note to self: always read the final line
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My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
All is fair in drunk and war.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge: