Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gorilla vs. cold water 😂

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-

Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE

Dinosaur 911: same color as you?

Dinosaur: YES

Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?

Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

“You’re acting weird.”

First of all, I’m not acting

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

everyone has that one prude friend

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

This chloroform smells expensiv…

employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress

me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!