The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.