If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
You Might Also Like
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“HELP WITH CAT”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.