Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
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You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions