A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
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No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.