My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)