on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
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this… may be the greatest story ever told
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Real House Wines.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.