23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
How can I say no to this ?
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.