Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
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If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.