Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
You Might Also Like
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
i really liked this one
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.