I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
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At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha