Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
You Might Also Like
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Autocorrect completely socks
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.