Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
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YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.