Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
3% human
97% stress
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok