[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Finally, a door that understands me
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!