My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
You Might Also Like
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*