Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
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at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
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Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
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I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
wait.
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[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.