wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
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I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO