wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix![]()
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[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Dead
Alive
Other✔
i actually laughed 😩
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[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now