[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
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Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable