100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
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The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
How to draw a duck