I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
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Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.