robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
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Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby