General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
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Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.