[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
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If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
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I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!