Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

7-year-old: You got a letter!

Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.

7: Not if you throw it away.

She’s my financial planner now.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit

officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk

floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.