[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
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My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Room with a view.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.