Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.