Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
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Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.