Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck