I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
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The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.