I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
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Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
“HOW” – dyslexic owl