welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
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Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..