Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
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“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*