I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
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…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Friday night party time 🥳
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life