My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
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If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
no their not
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I have never related to anyone more.