It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
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An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I thought this was funny lol
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not