China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
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When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
How does one answer this?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you