Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
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ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
nature’s most graceful animal
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.