Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
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Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it