TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
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meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.