TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
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[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.