Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
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Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
✌🏽
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work