Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

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No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.


Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”


Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?


I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”


Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.


Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.


never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing


By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.


People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?


The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.