Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
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I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.