Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
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Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Why font matters.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.