They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax