Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes